How do people disagree but live in peace? The virtues of arguing, nagging, persuasion, rhetoric, consent, "hug it out". Yes, nag me and "hug it out", if I'm not taking care of my health or doing my job that I promised - push my love buttons and motivate me. Positive button pushing, yum yum yum. I want that from a lady! If I'm scared, motivate me by holding my hand. yum yum yum. I like those fruits of the spirit! Will you take mine? And help me grow new ones that I can share with the world?
I want a tolerant and understanding woman with a mind who can accept and love me. Is it about ego? No, it is about giving up ego. I want to also give of myself, as equally as we can work this out. Joseph Campbell:
There are two completely different stages of marriage. First is the youthful marriage following the wonderful impulse that nature has given us in the interplay of the sexes biologically in order to produce children. But there comes a time when the child graduates from the family and the couple is left. I've been amazed at the number of my friends who in their forties or fifties go apart. They have had a perfectly decent life together with the child, but they interpreted their union in terms of their relationship through the child. They did not interpret it in terms of their own personal relationship to each other.
Marriage is a relationship. When you make the sacrifice in marriage, you're sacrificing not to each other but to unity in a relationship. The Chinese image of the Tao, with the dark and light interacting -- that's the relationship of yang and yin, male and female, which is what a marriage is. And that's what you have become when you have married. You're no longer this one alone; your identity is in a relationship. Marriage is not a simple love affair, it's an ordeal, and the ordeal is the sacrifice of ego to a relationship in which two have become one.
My necklace... I do wear a Happy Humanist and a USA Apollo capsule on my neck. The Apollo capsule represents 1969, the year I was born - and scientific learning. (I like the religion implication of the name too, and searching out heaven - Joseph Campbell loved that theme also.) It's a bonus that this charm was my mothers, I got it after her death. She had never even removed the charm from the cardboard. I wonder if she purchased this charm in 1969, when I was born? Yet, I ramble on... that's sometimes my connections (James Burke Connections reference).
I've been dating an atheist. She calls herself a Secular Humanist. In fact, I purchased my Humanist necklace because of her. Prior to that, I had a crappy infinity symbol charm that I didn't like, I removed it.
I want you to see what's behind the necklace. In both the human spirit - and the ideals. As I am both.
I consider myself a Spiritual Humanist to put a name on what I believe - spiritual. So a Secular Humanist has been dating a Spiritual Humanist. At least that is what we CALL ourselves, what we are may not agree with our animal self - and Campbell talks about that too.
Now I have asked this girl, the Secular Humanist, for another type of unity. I invited her to consider and work toward marriage. Can I move in with her, can we start to work toward "forever"? Alas, she won't agree. I can't decide if she likes that we disagree or likes that we have fun together. Maybe both? Maybe I'm just an asshole that not many women like, and I don't do it for her. She wouldn't be the first to turn me down. I try to be myself and improve myself, and on this blog I have talked before about being an acquired somewhat bittersweet taste. I can't ever figure women out, if you haven't realized that.
I try to figure out women, I offer my hand in marriage to her - and it's her decision. Consent - so I keep trying to talk women into marrying me - but they know I'm serious about it, so they won't agree. Oh, Erotic Irony!
How many women have I suggested to that I wanted to marry so far this year? FOUR. Run for the hills lady. I clearly must be obsessed about marriage ;) Well, maybe I am a bit obsessed with Campbell's teaching, a "Unity Freak". But at least I'm not obsessed with cheating on my wife with the bar girls, my car color, where I live, or having things "my way". See, it's about giving up ego - freely and with respect to each other and that life itself is difficult, including doing it alone.
Did I get on my knees and propose to these Four women? No. I did see these were strong willed women who could put up with my mind - and I would like to start building a relationship. I used the word "marriage" to make it clear to them I wasn't kidding. Was I being literal in really wanting to get married -- well, see that's another spiritual tricky thing about timing. Eternity, forever, messy concepts.
I want to build the relationship together - which means we decide those kinds of things in unity/we/together terms. Yet, I get to say "I want to be with you the rest of my life, let's get started today" - and that is what I was trying to say to these women. Once the consent is given by both, then we start working together on the logistics and details. We have the rest of our lives, marriage license itself may prove optional. I guess you could say sometimes Fools Jump In.
Some of you might consider this insane, but I consider it giving up my freedom - and respecting that I'm in love with the woman in front of me - and that's a great starting point. She also has to decide, well, that she is in love with me - and she wants one guy for the rest of her life. It's all very complicated, I'm trying to "cut to the chase". Probably making a fool of myself, including being honest and open about it here on this blog.
My first marriage we lived together for 3 years before marriage. I think counting months and years with love is a bit absurd. It's about me being ready and her being ready. Again, I'm just talking moving in together - giving "consent" to try and get closer to "forever" and "lifelong". Working together, in unison, toward that.
Was I always this driven, behave this "desperate" as some would say. No, in fact, I kind of decided that was my fault in life. For not taking what I believed serious enough. Now I'm a "unity freak" and I focus on my own inside to out. That if it is in my heart, go for it. Open my damn heart right up, know myself, and be ready.
The virtues of arguing, nagging, persuasion, rhetoric, consent, "Hug it Out". But I want the surprise of the rest of my life. I don't need to know everything there is to know like favorite colors - that stuff comes in due time. I want to work together, for real. I want her to be HAPPY with me, and me happy with her. Who is her, are you her?
Song to go along with this theme: Steely Dan: Time Out of Mind. Album "GAUCHO" - am I your Gaucho?
If you are serious about me, learn this song. Learn every word, pretty please? You don't have to like it. We could write our own version if we can consent. I'd like to start singing it with you in unison. I didn't write the song, the universe did! It's about living in the moment, and being ready, letting go of your ego.
Son you better be ready for love
On this glory day
This is your chance to believe
What I've got to say
Keep your eyes on the sky
Put a dollar in the kitty
Don't the moon look pretty
Tonight when I chase the dragon [Campbell's Ego]
The water will change to cherry wine
And the silver will turn to gold
Time out of mind
I am holding the mystical sphere
It's direct from Lhasa
Where people are rolling in the snow
Far from the world we know
Children we have it right here
It's the light in my eyes
It's perfection and grace
It's the smile on my face
Tonight when I chase the dragon [Campbell's Ego]
The water will change to cherry wine
And the silver will turn to gold
Time out of mind
Children we have it right here
It's the light in my eyes
It's perfection and grace
It's the smile on my face
Tonight when I chase the dragon [Campbell's Ego]
The water will change to cherry wine
And the silver will turn to gold
Time out of mind
I'm obsessed about a healthy unity. One where Unity is the love. Where two independent free adults decide they want regular monogamous sex, good times, bad times, shared finances - and well - kind of what marriage was supposed to be about. lifetime loyalty. It's a labor of love, including this writing and your reading.
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