Tuesday, February 2, 2010

More on why... and Who I am...

Joseph Campbell, describing what I have come to accept as a defining characteristic of me:

And that's a killer, because the only way you can describe a human being truly is by describing his imperfections. The perfect human being is uninteresting -- the Buddha who leaves the world, you know. It is the imperfections of life that are lovable. And when the writer sends a dart of the true word, it hurts. But it goes with love. This is what [Thomas] Mann called "erotic irony," the love for that which you are killing with your cruel, analytical word.

My analytical and honest nature is really what most people dislike about me. I have discovered this through experience. I am not afraid. I am not perfect. I believe in being open and honest, that there is something bigger to life than self-preservation and this-moment's identity.

Society wants me to behave certain ways, even in a personal relationship. These are often called expectations, assumptions, conventions. Where do I begin and society end? where does inheritance taper and new growth form? Where do yesterday and tomorrow meet, in the moment. We are all unique individuals, yet we can all come together.

Joseph Campbell: Is the system going to flatten you out and deny you your humanity, or are you going to be able to make use of the system to the attainment of human purposes?

These are not ideals ordered from a shopping catalog. These are what I came to know of life and myself through 40 years of experience... and only later study of books helped me put it into perspective and words. The books and words of others provide outside reference and communications tools for me. Just as the English language I use to craft this page is not something I invented. The words provided by hundreds of books, movies, songs were studied... but only a tiny fraction comes close to resonating and reflecting what I found inside myself.

I do not consider it a strong ego to have high ideals. Through the trials of my life, I have learned I can shed my ego - that my identity can be both flexible and firm. To most people I meet, this is confusing to them, so I try these days to educate people in my life on why and what it means. It is part of my individual humanity. Yes, there is a real me, it is often the person in front of you. I have come to realize that I do not wear a "public persona" as frequently as most people do. There is no "social mask" like most people carry. me, is me, is me. My mistakes are openly expressed, my truth is the best as I know it at the moment, always open for challenge and growth. Yes, I can put a mask on for fun, I can role-play and wear hats for business and entertainment. Yet, I do not love my mask. I do love myself, the true inner being. I affirm life. I invite you.

It is this inner being that allows me to connect with others who choose to open their heart. It is what connects me to the universe. I am not detached from life, we are one. I affirm life, even if I express myself imperfectly. I am not important, time is important. It is that we make time for each other that is the topic of today... unity/we/together/us. Physical body, mannerisms, choice of words, smiles, how tired one is, persistence, effort... these will all factor into our working together, but there is more to it all than a pile of characteritics. There is the freedom of each new tick of the clock, to learn and grow, to be something more than the total sum...

You see, I'm not looking for a one-night stand. I'm seeking out an open heart, one that accepts who I am, including my ability to change. I am seeking unity/we/together/us. I'm here in this moment, open and looking... are you? Friendship is the basis, time spent is the construction, let us start building...

1 comment:

  1. You know, I said that it is your intellect that I find exciting but it is your heart that I find so comforting and warm. Your thoughts transcend typical thought and that is so refreshing, and your heart beats are felt through your words. It is the ego that we must let go of in order to embrace life and one another. It is death and rebirth that we must accept in our own mind and in our lives, in our relationships to truly live.