Couples often grow apart in long-term relationships. I'm not talking just about the stereotypical 7 year itch of marriage, it happens far more frequently in dating in the third or fourth month. Does it mean the couple isn't exciting enough for each other? That the person isn't the one? To me, that's missing the point. The foundation of a good long-term romance is ideally friendship; the fallback during dating should be friends. I feel it should be openly talked about, the dual development of both the romance and the friendship. Now, we humans are less than ideal on this front, I'm fully aware of this. I only emphasize: are you, 1/2 of the participants, strictly acting out of circumstance and emotion - or is growth and learning a factor in your life? I'm far from perfect in my relationships, so I feel I have to work at it.
An example from my own history of relationship conflicts. Yes, I have some unsavory character flaws that I must struggle with each day.
If I become emotionally attached to a person, I can get upset if they are upset. It can become a form of feedback loop, bringing the worst out of both parties. When positive is going on, it feels great - I can sometimes 'tune in' to the heartbeat or mind of a partner. Alas, it's the negative that seems to accumulate over time in memories. Something a recent romantic partner outright admitted to me.
Modern relationships seem defined by the counting and severity of failures. I suggest it isn't the failures that mater, it is how you choose to avoid, resolve, and grow from them. I have experienced that those who reach too far for perfection or accomplishment end up getting attracted to denial and lies. In my experience, denial does indeed seem to satisfy many people. By not admitting problems or drawing arbitrary boundaries. For me, denial is a lingering poison that accumulates like toxins in a relationship.
It isn't about the short-term to me. It's about the long-term. I can surely do idiotic and angry things in the heat of negative passion. What I ask, clearly in advance on a calm day, is that you consider that the relationship we build is not defined by sacrifice, please don't stand there and take anger. Help me in my weak and tired moments; hold us to a higher standard. Participate! Participation trumps sacrifice in most common situations. Let sacrifice be reserved for the rare times when time, effort and love has not bridged the gap.
P.S. partly, I'm writing this blog to acknowledge that I do struggle with relationships. I hope that anyone who chooses to become close with me considers that my own words, published here for all to see, could be of use in confronting me over my own denial or failure of ideals. I was born into this world as an animal, unable to speak English - I had to be taught to read and write - and some aspects of character are learned... and sadly forgotten. I hope such lapses are only short term, and I ask for your partnership participation. I know I can survive without people in my life, I choose to be open and invite you freely. GROWTH WANTED